The Sea Monster (Tuesday 9th June 1998)

Another piece from way back when. I think this actually happened:

There was something lurking in the sea, eating fish and ships for tea. He’s green and slimy, has big fat eyes, and large sharp teeth. His skin is lumpy, really bumpy, and he works out with a punch bag covered in slime to pass the time. 

_ Metres Apart

‘You know, you have to stay two metres apart’ they said from so many metres apart. I could just about hear them.

Monday 27th April 1998 And Tuesday 14th July 1998

So whilst being at home during this lockdown, I stumbled across my old school diaries from 1997-1998. They were a weekly homework activity which basically had you summing various days up in a few words. Most of it was about trips out, films watched, food eaten, yada yada, but for some reason the entry for Monday 27th April 1998 was an imaginary entry. So here we go:

New Horizons In Isolation

Since the lock down began due to Covid-19 my life has never been more fulfilling. Each day I wake up early to rush out into my local village, Oswaldtwistle has never seemed so fun and familiar, greeting the many early risers as I head to my forest of fruit trees. I’ve not been struggling so much for money as everyone currently has a craving for peaches, and I spent most of each morning shaking them down for pure profit. I’m rolling in cash, no mortgage freeze necessary for me, no siree. I even manage to get a spot of fishing in before tea. The great outdoors are my everything during this epidemic.

In the evening I invite all my friends over and we sit close by one another, trading recipes and secrets, wandering from home to home to appreciate the fine art we’ve been installing within our homes. I have a fetching pair of samurai swords that are a must see for any weebo mate, and someone I know has been making contemporary art out of Fanta Zesty Berry and flaccid penis pics, he’s a custom designing king. We spend hours running toe to toe, I’ve never been so social, even before my recent cough persisted. Don’t worry, we’re all wearing our doctors masks. 

And I’ve yet to talk about Rowan who sweats away on his weights by my place. Or Plucky, the chick who won’t leave me alone. And let’s no forget Stitches, he’s a fluid old bear, letting our semen scented sneezes every time I rub shoulders on tight bridges into mountains unknown. That’s what I smell in his company, anyhow. 

I’ve never felt so close, so happy, so calm, even when I look away from the screen and squint to see the numbers have been rising. My fingers ache from gripping the controller too tight, those salty sea bass have been putting my reaction times through their motions, with no tuna gains in sight. If only I didn’t have to sleep each night so I could continue my glorious island life. 

I’m in self isolation with Animal Crossing: New Horizons, and I think I’m doing fine. 

9/10 

Things To Maybe (Not) Do In Group Isolation

If you’re self isolation happens to be within a household containing other people, be they family, friends or flatmates, the key to survive through this is to get along as one unit. So as a group, here are five things you can do together to keep on self isolating through Covid-19, as two metres apart as you can get cramped up together in there whilst still feeling spiritually as one super organism.

Every Day Is Exactly The Same

Because Nine Inch Nails dropped some new music today, here is Every Day Is Exactly The Same.

Every day is exactly the same. Wake up, yes I’m starting a story this way, wave to the woman hanging from the window, then go about my daily business in my expensive lingerie. Even though every day is exactly the same, you have to at least look good to feel good, don’t you agree? It chafes.

Table Dance Lessons Scheduled

Are you the fella I see when I’m taking my morning/afternoon/evening walk through the wilderness/city/mountains? I keep seeing you everyday on this same walk, and I must admit that I changed my regular route just so I can maintain a two metres distance behind you.

Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine

Jenny was a friend of mine. 

Until the zombie outbreak, anyway. Jenny still went out despite the undead sitting on her front porch sipping tepid bloody tea, and she’d take trips to the sea, walks to the park, and brought her friends along too. Except for me, as Jenny was a friend of mine, don’t you see.

She was 75 and did not fear the hordes of death bringers stumbling over potholes, she’d had a fine life drinking ale at the seaside. In fact the only fear Jenny had were the Muslims that lived next door, who were following the advice to stay indoors like the rest of us, so why wouldn’t she embrace the great outdoors?

Filling Forms At The End Of The World

The world was ending, that was the latest news. People were running into houses on fire, people were still having BBQ, people took walks whilst wearing shotgun shells, people fought over Pop-Tart supplies with sharp knives, people played football in hazmat suits. The grass was brown, and the water was green. Some carried bats, some carried sacks, and the rest of us hid between the rubble, rubble made out of empty tins that once contained cream corn, amongst other things.

The Beginning Of Spring

Bright blue skies, green fields, peevish pollen, and a sheep with a hole in its side. Ahh, Spring.