Ultimate Work Out

For every thirty press-ups I reward myself with a donut.

For every fifty star jumps in comes the Star Burst.

And if I hit the weights, what better motivation than a dollop of chocolate paste?

I love exercise! I do it everyday!


Important Note

Just a note that all thoughts and feelings expressed within this blog are not my own, but come from a tall man who stands by my bed each night as I sleep. He whispers into my ears. Sometimes he even gets under the covers. His breath smells of Fisherman’s Friends.

Just so you know. Thanks!


You can’t expect something here every week.

Without it sometimes being like this.

I mean, c’mon.

Take a hammer to my hands so I can only write

when that inspiration flows.

And when it flows, put plasters on the bones.


Until then, see you same time next week.

Memory Jar

I keep the past in boxes and jars, they’re a good thing to have so you can look back and say life hasn’t been a complete waste. Items from the past we hold onto include photographs, postcards, gig tickets, certificates, drawings, toys, shed skin, and gifts from partners in time.

I like to sift through the contents and feel refreshed, ready to make fresh boxes and jars. But what I really like to do is cover myself in glue, and stick the old skin back on like it was new. With it back where it belongs I can recall my past self vividly. I even recreate it, calling up the women and the men who once interacted with my flesh in some way. When they see me reformed, they too wish they kept some memory jars. We could all reconstruct together, let old wounds bleed.

Once I’m done I scrape it all off back into my jars, ready to retrieve for the next time the me of today is not the best I can be.

How many memory jars do you have?


I enjoy looking down at the floor whilst wearing my glasses. I can see all the toasted crumbs, coffee spills, and semen stains in the carpet, those finer details. I can stare at my phone without having to lift it, I can read a book and use my foot to keep it. And my glasses slowly slide, I feel them disconnect from my nose, brush my ears, and when they finally drop, I can’t see anything at all.