Fears

No matter how old, there is always something to be afraid of. Fear keeps humans on their toes, and fear is the personal challenge everyone must overcome. Fear determines if a person becomes the controller or the controlled in life, and fear is ever changing.

As a child, the fear came from the toilet. It wasn’t a case of going to the toilet during the day, but at night. At night the toilet was a portal to another place. Piss and shit went to the sewers from a simple flush, and it made perfect sense that something could come from the sewers to the house. After watching the film ‘IT’ I imagined the creature coming out of the toilet at night to gut me. I tried to hold it all in, to get through the night, but that’s an impossibility for a child. So I’d take a piss, stare at the toilet, my hand on the flusher, then leg it to my room as soon as the noise overcame the midnight silence. I imagined a creature bursting out from the rotating water, and when I didn’t look back, and didn’t even think to breathe until I was back in my bed. It never attacked me, this thing from the toilet, but that was because I was ready.

As a teenager the fear shifted into the concept of death. When Michael Jackson met his maker, the idea that death was a thing became very real to me. I looked at myself in the mirror and imagined my rotting corpse looking back. Time was slipping away, and before I knew it, eight years passed.

The problem is, these fears shift, but they don’t completely go away. At night I sometimes still make my way from the toilet quickly, and the idea of death and slipping time follows me everywhere I go. Plus as an adult a real current fear has taken over, the fear of work. Will the boss call me into the meeting room? Will the other boss make snide comments about my work? Will they threaten job losses? Will they put me on a task which only results in failure and sleepless nights? Will they keep checking your progress with the idea that too much is never enough? The fear of work consumes, the fear of the toilet exhumes, and the fear of death… well it’ll get us one day.

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