We all sat around the table for Thanksgiving, we all being myself and my son, Timothy. November was coming to an end, and it was time to give thanks. Giving thanks around a table with a turkey in the centre was fairly new to Timothy. He was used to November being a month of burning things and respecting war heroes, not thanking farmers.
He said he didn’t understand why we’ d have to thank farmers, when most of the food isn’t even from farmers anymore, it’s all made in a lab. Even the turkey in the centre was a clone of a clone, and came out perfectly from a tin can. So he thought we should thank the scientists.
So we thank the scientists on Thanksgiving.
We also watch the inflatable float parade on television, which featured giant versions of television characters floating through London. Who was this thanking? I agreed with Timothy when he brought it up. Just who are we thanking by watching floats? The Queen also said a few words, which she would no doubt regurgitate on Christmas day.
Once the show was over, I noticed that Timothy had already fallen asleep, curled up like a cat by the electric fire. There was a piece of cloned turkey stuck to his lip, so I brushed it off before carrying him to bed.
I spent the rest of the night watching shows about murder, with adverts about Black Friday slotted in between. It seemed like the most pointless day since British Independence Day. We bought a flag to stick outside the window which cost £5.99. It snapped, and someone accused us of having no respect for out great country.
But I wasn’t even sure what country he meant.
Things get confusing with these imported holidays. All I know is, I spend more money on these days each year, and someone smiles, but it isn’t me.
That night Timothy dreamt of killer cloned turkeys with guns, and smashed all the television sets, worried about the next confusing holiday they would bring to myself and my son.
The next day we put some canned food in a bag and took it to school. It reminded me of when I did it as a child, but hardly anyone donated this year. And we were missing Black Friday, something which neither of us did, but I felt like I was missing out, even though I knew I wasn’t.
So on the way home we bought a gun. 20% off.